shookfoil

excerpted from The New Yorker:

"Because I love art, I am offering the following ideas for paintings to all struggling artists out there. Some of those artists may be thinking, Hey, I’ve got good ideas of my own. Really? Then why are you struggling?

These ideas are free of charge. All I ask is that when you have completed a painting, as a courtesy to me you sign it “Jack Handey and [your name or initials].” And, if the painting is sold, I get approximately all the money.

Good luck! Let’s get painting!

Stampede of Nudes

The trouble with most paintings of nudes is that there isn’t enough nudity. It’s usually just one woman lying there, and you’re looking around going, “Aren’t there any more nudes?” This idea solves that.

What has frightened these nudes? Is it the lightning in the background? Or did one of the nudes just spook? You don’t know, and this creates tension.

Made You Look

This idea is difficult to execute, but could turn out to be a masterpiece. It depicts a grandly dressed lady looking straight at you. At first, her look seems to say, “Quick, look behind you!” So you turn around, and when you look at her again her expression now seems to be one of smug satisfaction.

The Bleak Hotel

A man is staring out the window of a bleak hotel room. He looks depressed. From the side, flying through the air, is a football. And you realize, If he’s depressed now, just wait until he gets hit in the head by that football.

The Repentant Cameron Diaz..."

[Read the rest here...]

There'a also a Jack Handey piece called "What I'd say to the Martians" that is absolutely hilarious and the perfect release for pent-up rage produced by, say, multiple hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic. You can read it here. One warning, this second piece is a little more foul than the first one.

Happy laughing!

"I preach there are all kinds of truth, your truth and somebody else's, but behind all of them, there's only one truth and that is that there's no truth." -Hazel Motes in Wiseblood

"Oftentimes to win us to our harm
The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
Win us with honest trifles, to betray's
In deepest consequence--" -Banquo in Macbeth

This conference looks promising. I wish I could go. It doesn't hurt that it's being held in one of the most beautiful young cities I've ever had the privilege to visit.